Today, I slept until 1 pm. I woke up a couple of times in those four hours, but I kept on thinking to myself, "What's the point of getting up?"
I've written on my "professional blog" a lot about how depressed and uninspired my school and future makes me. When I'm at school, and actually doing something, I will be completely motivated, work hard and be happy. However, as soon as I have the weeks off, I plunge into a deep darkness.
It just annoys me that I sit here and do nothing all day. I could go swimming, or write a script or take pictures. The motivation is just missing. When I think about swimming, I immediately think that there's no point. When I think about writing Koyasan, I think that it won't be made anyway, so why bother. When I want to take pictures, I think that they won't even be that great anyway.
This goes back to the fact that there isn't a single thing in my life that I love doing. Something that I can do that will lift my spirits no matter what. Also one of the reasons why I think I'm struggling with my film making – I just don't want to do it. I've always been a jack of all trades, but never a master. I guess I can keep my head above water anywhere, but I never excelled at anything in particular. Swimming used to be the one thing I was good in, but when I think about it I never was really good. Just better than the people in my club and most of the people in my region. I like to tell people that I was going to the German championship because I qualified for 200m backstroke and even had a chance for a medal, but then ripped my tri-cep. What I don't say, is that medal was bronze, and the chance was a very small chance.
Even if the one thing I enjoyed in life would be picking up garbage I'd happily do that for the rest of my life. But there just isn't anything that excites me…
This is getting too depressing for me. I'm going to see if I can force myself to go swimming tomorrow. Maybe force myself to write Koyasan. I guess I always thought I wouldn't have to force myself to do something just so I can do something.