Out of Bed

Usually I wake up everyday at 7:15 am, take a shower, dress, eat breakfast and do all other morning duties. My brother should get up at 7, take a shower and be done by 7:15. Since school started this year, he has difficulties getting out of bed. Most likely because he stays up until 1 or 2 in the morning. So this allows me to doze off a couple of times before I hear him in and out of the shower.

Today, I slept until 1 pm. I woke up a couple of times in those four hours, but I kept on thinking to myself, "What's the point of getting up?"

I've written on my "professional blog" a lot about how depressed and uninspired my school and future makes me. When I'm at school, and actually doing something, I will be completely motivated, work hard and be happy. However, as soon as I have the weeks off, I plunge into a deep darkness.

My Prison

It just annoys me that I sit here and do nothing all day. I could go swimming, or write a script or take pictures. The motivation is just missing. When I think about swimming, I immediately think that there's no point. When I think about writing Koyasan, I think that it won't be made anyway, so why bother. When I want to take pictures, I think that they won't even be that great anyway.

This goes back to the fact that there isn't a single thing in my life that I love doing. Something that I can do that will lift my spirits no matter what. Also one of the reasons why I think I'm struggling with my film making – I just don't want to do it. I've always been a jack of all trades, but never a master. I guess I can keep my head above water anywhere, but I never excelled at anything in particular. Swimming used to be the one thing I was good in, but when I think about it I never was really good. Just better than the people in my club and most of the people in my region. I like to tell people that I was going to the German championship because I qualified for 200m backstroke and even had a chance for a medal, but then ripped my tri-cep. What I don't say, is that medal was bronze, and the chance was a very small chance.

Even if the one thing I enjoyed in life would be picking up garbage I'd happily do that for the rest of my life. But there just isn't anything that excites me…

This is getting too depressing for me. I'm going to see if I can force myself to go swimming tomorrow. Maybe force myself to write Koyasan. I guess I always thought I wouldn't have to force myself to do something just so I can do something.

Pizza

Why do people eat pizza with a knife and fork?

That's right. I'm sophisticated.

To me, pizza has always been PizzaHut. Greasy, fattening and if you see it with no intension of eating it – disgusting. Even now when I look at the pizza in the picture, I feel sick.

I once went to an Italian restaurant in Munich where the menus were all in Italian (great idea, guy.) So because we were in a hurry to catch a show, we didn't bother asking the waiters to translate everything and just ordered Pizzas we could somewhat decipher. In the end all five of us got pizza. This restaurant was pretty fancy, so we ate with knifes and forks (which is normal in Germany anyway. Seriously, I saw a guy at PizzaHut eating with a knife and fork!!) Either way, what made me chuckle was seeing everyone fight with their meal. Trying to cut the tough dough with a dull knife, the pizza sliding off the plate knocking over the water, the constant screeching of the metal cutlery on the plate… just hilarious.

Of course, I did the same.

If you're ever in Rosenheimer Platz in Munich…

But what annoys me the most with using cutlery is the pain in your fingers. The knives are either too dull, or the dough is too hard, but something is making my fingers hurt and I want it to stop. Maybe I'll just stop eating pizza in places where I can't be "American." Or stop eating pizza all together… Seriously, I have to stop thinking about pizza, or else I'm going to hurl.

Life

I go to school for approximately one week in a month. Usually we cover something in class, then we go home for three weeks and do it. This sucks.

In a sense I'm don't really know what to think when it comes to my school. I wouldn't like to go there everyday, since the trip costs a tremendous amount and takes four hours to get there and back. But staying at home for so long makes me so lazy. It's not like I don't do any work, but I just don't really feel like I've done nothing of importance. If I really wanted to I could work 2 hours every day, and have my work done by the time school starts again. And since I work 4-6 hours a day, I'm done pretty quickly. I guess I can't wait until the Thesis work really begins.

This week, we have to write a time plan for our film project and make a "master résumé." Both can be done in a day. Granted, we only have two weeks off this time, but still. I've been spending most of my time playing Zelda, surfing the web, and coming up with ideas for the film. Oh, and also writing screenplays. Mostly Koyasan. I want to use this opportunity (probably the last one) to finish Koyasan.

My Room and Girlfriend

I spent most of my time yesterday and today with my girlfriend. We went to the cinema and watched "Morning Glory." We were thinking of watching "Devil" but I just didn't want to see Shyamalan. The story was about a woman who is an Executive Producer at a morning television show. It was pretty interesting, and made me think if I was ever going to some of the characters shown. I guess only time will tell. Also for that, I'd need to move to the United States or Canada, since German television companies are nothing like the American. But that's their problem.

Tomorrow I will starting working on my "master résumé" and write at least two chapters of Koyasan. Should be a fun day.

I am addicted.

Loss of Inspiration

I've always thought of myself as a very inspired person. A person who can come up with ideas at any time and at any place. Since I am aspiring to become a filmmaker, I should in fact be such a person. However since we've been given the project to come up with an idea for a film, I've noticed that I am not that kind of person. Before I started school and before my friend left the country I made quite a few films with him. This made me believe that I was a creative person, since I was coming up with a lot of material, all the time. Out of the 16 films we made together, the initial idea for the video came only five times from me. These are only the films we actually made. We have so many unfinished scripts, ideas and bullet points in a folder somewhere, which are mostly my friends ideas. If I look at my desktop right now, I will see three started scripts waiting to be written. Koyasan (originally a novel), Portal (an idea by my friend) and Dream (my idea, and the least worked on so far.)

This of course makes me think if I'm in the right field of work. I've never been a person who had a lot of hobbies. I had swimming. That was it. I didn't really have a lot of time to do anything else either. Then when I stopped swimming, I didn't have any interests, no idea what to do with my future and no career. I had always enjoyed acting simply because I don't like who I am, so being allowed to act as another person was the dream. But it was a creative direction, with not a lot of promise of success. I think it was because I was focused on film, that I decided to be an editor, and work my way around that way.
Then I started editing. Too much technical stuff. Now I'm looking at screenplay writing and/or directing. Once again, I find myself in a creative field with not a huge success rate.

My view 70% of the day.

What I'm trying to do with this blog is to realize who I am myself by writing about issues I think about, my hopes, dreams and worries. I don't expect anyone to read this, or find it interesting at all, it's just something for me. Since I can never write a diary, I decided to write it on Blogger. I guess the idea that someone might be reading it will give me the push to actually keep up the posts.