Sunday, July 31, 2011

Why I can't write

Recently a friend of mine has decided to start writing. He came immediately to me for advice. Which I was able to give him from my extensive research online and from some writing books I've read. I gave him hundreds of ideas, methods to come up with ideas, writing exercises etc.

When my best friend came down from Denmark the three of us sat together and spoke about his ideas. The ideas kept coming, the inspiration flowed and advice was given.

Now we come to tonight. My friend sent me two and a half story ideas and I replied with two pages of notes. So I began to think, "Where are my ideas?"

I have spent the last two weeks telling a friend how to come up with ideas and how to realize them, yet in the last couple of months I haven't written a paragraph or even come up with a coherent storyline. As I was thinking this over, while lazily slouching on the couch, it came to me. I am lazily slouching on the couch while my friend is probably working. My best friend is probably with his friends and family having a good time, living life. Here I am alone in my apartment, wondering why I can't come up with ideas, when all I do is watch TV shows online, play Minecraft, eat and sleep!

I've gotta get out more...

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sad or Beautiful?

Is this sad or beautiful?

you tell me…

Personally, I am a person who thinks romances over the internet are not as magical or beautiful as they were in the times before the internet.

The internet allows more people to be more connected, quicker and easier. But this leads them to being more lazy. Maybe one of the reasons divorce is so common now a days is because of the internet. Everything has become so easy to do, that when something goes wrong or becomes difficult, we just push it away, forget about it, or break up.

Before the internet, if people wanted to find a partner, they would have to go out. Usually this place would be a hangout, a bar or a club. Right from the start you would meet a person who shares at least one interest of yours. Either the music, or social drinking, or the view from the hangout. A common interest of Facebook, or Farmville is not really enough to base a relationship on, since it is something you do alone.

Of course I'm not saying that the internet is bad for relationships. Just the meeting over the internet can be difficult. The internet is world wide, which means if I am on a website talking to random people and suddenly I meet a person who has the same interests as I do and is otherwise a perfect match for me, there is a chance she lives in a country, or even a city that is inaccessible to me. I live in Germany. Say the person I meet lives in California – I can't just buy a ticket and fly over there for a week based on a "relationship" we have on the internet.

I like the internet as a way of continuing a relationship. For example, my best friend lives in Denmark. We met at school, the way we met and actually became friends is a story is still like to tell people today. But thanks to Skype, we can chat with each other almost everyday as if we were sitting right next to each other. But, we still met in real life.

There's a similar story with my girlfriend. I met her while playing sports – I found her online, and we started chatting. But we still met each other twice a week at training. So we had human contact, not just sitting in front of the monitor all day.

I am a redditor, which means I read the news and other stuff through reddit. One of my favorite subreddits is called f7u12 – also known as rage comics. There is a character called "forever alone…"

This guy
…and I am sick of him. Usually the comics involve him sitting in front of his computer complaining about how everyone else around him is in a relationship, happy or just better off than him. And they are all the same. They wonder why they aren't in a relationship, while slurping down their third bottle of soda, eating their second pizza and their ass forever bonded to the crushed chair that is barely holding their weight. The answer to the problem is very simple, and they all know the answer. They just don't do it because it's too hard.

I have two friends who haven't had a relationship for a long time, if ever. They both do not fit the description above, but are still alone in the sense of a relationship. But here's the difference – they don't complain. Why? Because they have friends that out-weight the need of a girlfriend. Sure a girlfriend is great, but you won't be wallowing in self-pity all the time. A here's a tip – girls don't like a guy who is constantly doubting themselves. Probably one of the reasons why the "forever alone" guy is forever alone.

If anyone is reading this who is needs help finding a girlfriend or friends at all, remember this…

and that's the problem
I'm not saying we should all go to war, just be more of a man. A real man. Oh, and go outside and do stuff. It's fun.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Yesterday was my birthday.

I'm not really a fan of birthdays, I don't know why – I've never really been a fan of it. I've always thought that a birthday should celebrate the parents or at least the mother. Because I didn't really do anything – my mother was the one struggling and pushing for hours. Maybe next year I'll give her this card I just made.

What a great birthday card!

So yesterday was my 21st birthday and I was greeted by my family with two pieces of toast with 21 candles on it. Because we had a busy schedule to keep on my birthday, there wasn't really time to eat a cake, and because we don't really eat cake in this family, my mother decided against making one. I didn't mind that at all, since I'm watching my calories anyway. Since I was woken up with my family coming into my room, I was completely blinded by the candles that appeared to shine as bright as the sun. I had to close my eyes until I had blown them out.

I got my presents, everything that I wished for. Two books on screenplay writing and two books on directing. Because my parents are moving away in the summer, they bought me the cooking course DS "game." What I noticed then was that I missed the excitement of getting a toy or a game that I won't be able to wait to open and play. After I opened my presents and my parents and brother had left, I moved them to the side, took out my laptop and watched Justice League Unlimited while eating my breakfast.

The day did turn out very nice. I had a second breakfast in Munich with my mother after I had gone swimming. We then went shopping and she bought my two pants and a pair of shoes (I had needed clothes for the longest time, but I don't really like shopping.) Because my mother is going to see her very young "God-Children" this week, we went to a toy store to look for something for them. This is when I got excited. I found some amazing NERF guns, and started playing around with them. This 10 year old kid was watching me play and when my mother walked past she explained to him, "Today is his birthday and he turned 21." The boy got really embarrassed and walked away, but I don't see why. NERF guns are awesome. Either way, my mother wasn't going to buy me a €40 NERF gun, but I found Star Trek figurines next to them. They had been marked down from €12 to €3! I was told I could have two. I was happy.

After spending those hours with my mother I went to a café/bar to meet some of my friends from school. We had a great time and they gave me an amazing self-made card.

Card and the Figurines!
I must say, I had a very nice birthday. It's a shame it will probably be the last I can spend living with my entire family…

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Out of Bed

Usually I wake up everyday at 7:15 am, take a shower, dress, eat breakfast and do all other morning duties. My brother should get up at 7, take a shower and be done by 7:15. Since school started this year, he has difficulties getting out of bed. Most likely because he stays up until 1 or 2 in the morning. So this allows me to doze off a couple of times before I hear him in and out of the shower.

Today, I slept until 1 pm. I woke up a couple of times in those four hours, but I kept on thinking to myself, "What's the point of getting up?"

I've written on my "professional blog" a lot about how depressed and uninspired my school and future makes me. When I'm at school, and actually doing something, I will be completely motivated, work hard and be happy. However, as soon as I have the weeks off, I plunge into a deep darkness.

My Prison

It just annoys me that I sit here and do nothing all day. I could go swimming, or write a script or take pictures. The motivation is just missing. When I think about swimming, I immediately think that there's no point. When I think about writing Koyasan, I think that it won't be made anyway, so why bother. When I want to take pictures, I think that they won't even be that great anyway.

This goes back to the fact that there isn't a single thing in my life that I love doing. Something that I can do that will lift my spirits no matter what. Also one of the reasons why I think I'm struggling with my film making – I just don't want to do it. I've always been a jack of all trades, but never a master. I guess I can keep my head above water anywhere, but I never excelled at anything in particular. Swimming used to be the one thing I was good in, but when I think about it I never was really good. Just better than the people in my club and most of the people in my region. I like to tell people that I was going to the German championship because I qualified for 200m backstroke and even had a chance for a medal, but then ripped my tri-cep. What I don't say, is that medal was bronze, and the chance was a very small chance.

Even if the one thing I enjoyed in life would be picking up garbage I'd happily do that for the rest of my life. But there just isn't anything that excites me…

This is getting too depressing for me. I'm going to see if I can force myself to go swimming tomorrow. Maybe force myself to write Koyasan. I guess I always thought I wouldn't have to force myself to do something just so I can do something.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Why do people eat pizza with a knife and fork?

That's right. I'm sophisticated.

To me, pizza has always been PizzaHut. Greasy, fattening and if you see it with no intension of eating it – disgusting. Even now when I look at the pizza in the picture, I feel sick.

I once went to an Italian restaurant in Munich where the menus were all in Italian (great idea, guy.) So because we were in a hurry to catch a show, we didn't bother asking the waiters to translate everything and just ordered Pizzas we could somewhat decipher. In the end all five of us got pizza. This restaurant was pretty fancy, so we ate with knifes and forks (which is normal in Germany anyway. Seriously, I saw a guy at PizzaHut eating with a knife and fork!!) Either way, what made me chuckle was seeing everyone fight with their meal. Trying to cut the tough dough with a dull knife, the pizza sliding off the plate knocking over the water, the constant screeching of the metal cutlery on the plate… just hilarious.

Of course, I did the same.

If you're ever in Rosenheimer Platz in Munich…

But what annoys me the most with using cutlery is the pain in your fingers. The knives are either too dull, or the dough is too hard, but something is making my fingers hurt and I want it to stop. Maybe I'll just stop eating pizza in places where I can't be "American." Or stop eating pizza all together… Seriously, I have to stop thinking about pizza, or else I'm going to hurl.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I go to school for approximately one week in a month. Usually we cover something in class, then we go home for three weeks and do it. This sucks.

In a sense I'm don't really know what to think when it comes to my school. I wouldn't like to go there everyday, since the trip costs a tremendous amount and takes four hours to get there and back. But staying at home for so long makes me so lazy. It's not like I don't do any work, but I just don't really feel like I've done nothing of importance. If I really wanted to I could work 2 hours every day, and have my work done by the time school starts again. And since I work 4-6 hours a day, I'm done pretty quickly. I guess I can't wait until the Thesis work really begins.

This week, we have to write a time plan for our film project and make a "master résumé." Both can be done in a day. Granted, we only have two weeks off this time, but still. I've been spending most of my time playing Zelda, surfing the web, and coming up with ideas for the film. Oh, and also writing screenplays. Mostly Koyasan. I want to use this opportunity (probably the last one) to finish Koyasan.

My Room and Girlfriend

I spent most of my time yesterday and today with my girlfriend. We went to the cinema and watched "Morning Glory." We were thinking of watching "Devil" but I just didn't want to see Shyamalan. The story was about a woman who is an Executive Producer at a morning television show. It was pretty interesting, and made me think if I was ever going to some of the characters shown. I guess only time will tell. Also for that, I'd need to move to the United States or Canada, since German television companies are nothing like the American. But that's their problem.

Tomorrow I will starting working on my "master résumé" and write at least two chapters of Koyasan. Should be a fun day.

I am addicted.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Loss of Inspiration

I've always thought of myself as a very inspired person. A person who can come up with ideas at any time and at any place. Since I am aspiring to become a filmmaker, I should in fact be such a person. However since we've been given the project to come up with an idea for a film, I've noticed that I am not that kind of person. Before I started school and before my friend left the country I made quite a few films with him. This made me believe that I was a creative person, since I was coming up with a lot of material, all the time. Out of the 16 films we made together, the initial idea for the video came only five times from me. These are only the films we actually made. We have so many unfinished scripts, ideas and bullet points in a folder somewhere, which are mostly my friends ideas. If I look at my desktop right now, I will see three started scripts waiting to be written. Koyasan (originally a novel), Portal (an idea by my friend) and Dream (my idea, and the least worked on so far.)

This of course makes me think if I'm in the right field of work. I've never been a person who had a lot of hobbies. I had swimming. That was it. I didn't really have a lot of time to do anything else either. Then when I stopped swimming, I didn't have any interests, no idea what to do with my future and no career. I had always enjoyed acting simply because I don't like who I am, so being allowed to act as another person was the dream. But it was a creative direction, with not a lot of promise of success. I think it was because I was focused on film, that I decided to be an editor, and work my way around that way.
Then I started editing. Too much technical stuff. Now I'm looking at screenplay writing and/or directing. Once again, I find myself in a creative field with not a huge success rate.

My view 70% of the day.

What I'm trying to do with this blog is to realize who I am myself by writing about issues I think about, my hopes, dreams and worries. I don't expect anyone to read this, or find it interesting at all, it's just something for me. Since I can never write a diary, I decided to write it on Blogger. I guess the idea that someone might be reading it will give me the push to actually keep up the posts.